Unconditional Love
Alone. A-L-O-N-E. Alone. Im not a very good speller, but I know how to spell alone. I know that that’s what I am, and what I feel. I think its ‘coz most people don’t understand me though. I just guess i’m different, and apparently, not everyone likes that. I’ve lived with it most of my life though, I mean, I shouldn't even be here. My mom always says I was a horrible mistake. I really don't know what my dad thinks of me. I haven't seen him since I was three.
When you live with something your whole life, you get pretty used to it. So I'm used to being alone. Sometimes I do dream of being loved, of being accepted. Like in movies, or in songs. Everything always seems to turn out better in those cases. I don't think anyone truly has it that way though. It’s just a cover up, a fantasy, a way to dream away from pain, hurt, and rejection.
I was eight years old when I realized I was invisible to the world. Im obviously not invisible as in “no one can see me,” but invisible in that way, that no one cares. Sometimes I’ve found it practical being invisible, I cant ever get my heart broken. Now that I’m in college though, things get more, serious, but in a good way. Its not like it was in high school when most of the time, it was a miracle if someone was together for a month. Now, I do wish someone would notice me, but I already know that wishes on a star just don't come true. I like to say I learned that the hard way, because I couldn't imagine there being any harder way.
As soon as I was old enough to go to college my mom was more than happy to ship me off. She had waited so long to get me out of the house. She even volunteered to drive me to the airport, but as soon as I got my things out of the car, she raced away. She didn't even look back. She didn't even say goodbye. Even though she had caused me pain most of my life, she’s still my mom. When she didn't say that one goodbye, that left a deep dark hole in my heart. A hole that seemed to deep to heal, until the very second it did.
Have you ever felt like your the only person in the world feeling what you have felt? Well thats what I went around thinking. I blamed everything on myself. My mom hating me, my dad leaving, all mine and others mistakes. Everything. I blamed it on Me. I guess a lot of people do that. Sometimes its hard to visualize others going through what you’re going through. But hard is not the same as impossible. I mean troubles would be called hurdles if they didn't pass. We just need to look at things from a different perspective sometimes.
I could go on and on about all of this. I could say that you just need to believe and that you are always loved in a million ways. But the bottom line is, believe in your self and all your dreams because you are ALWAYS loved. Even when you don’t realize it. I know how it is though. Its hard to believe when you have no experience of it. You don't always believe in something unless you have some sort of proof. But thats just it. You have to learn to believe in things, even the things you can not see.
There is this saying I once heard. “A father is a sons first hero, and a daughters first love.” I never had a fathers love, or acceptance. When I think of it, I never had any kind of love. It never came to me. I had to go look for it. And thats what I did, and I realized that sometimes fate, or whatever you call it, is something that wants some effort. You cant just sit on your couch all your life waiting for it all to come to you. You have got to get off you butt and do something. You have to try to achieve something, try to make a difference.
It seems like forever ago, but its only been a couple years. I remember when I first met him. I was so mad, but then he told me everything, and I made the biggest decision I’ve ever made. It was graduation night. A couple of my friends had invited me to a party, we were finally done with college and that called for a big celebration. All my friends got drunk, too drunk. I’d only had a few drinks, but I’d had more than I should have. My best friend Kiley was driving me home, I told her since I was drunk I didn't want to be the person driving, so I let her. But what I didn't think about was that she’d had more drinks than I had, and things would have been safer if I had driven.
The car drive to our apartment went fine. Until we got to a very steep hill, there was a huge turn and Kiley was driving way to fast. On the one side of the road there was a mountain, a hard rock that could crush us all easily, but on the other side was a forest. A deep scary forest with lots of cliffs and deep waters and big redwood tree’s. When we came to the turn I don’t know what thoughts were racing through Kiley’s mind, but she turned straight towards the solid rock to our left. As soon as I realized that we were going to crash I grabbed on to the wheel and turned it the other way. The car drove straight into the forrest. I don't remember everything, but I know my heart was racing, all of us were probably panicking. Then out of no where, boom.
Next thing I knew I was in a hospital bed with tubes and tape all over my face and arms. There was a nurse to my right and an old man with his face in his hands to my left. He looked like he could be a doctor but at the same time he didn't. I tried to sit up but the nurse came over and told me to lie back down. The man looked up at me and I could see his eyes were bright red and stained with tears. He must have been crying for a while, because his entire face was soaked with the blazing hot tears.
As I gazed into his dark hazel eyes, memories of my childhood flooded back into my mind. He must have seen some reaction on my face, he leaned over and grabbed my hand. His hands were warm and comforting, I felt safe leaving my hands in his. The man got of the chair and leaned over towards me, he pulled my hand up to his face and kissed it. Then he gently bend his head down, still holding my hand. I could hear soft sobs coming from the man, then he exclaimed how sorry he was. He just kept on saying “I’m so so sorry, please forgive me,” thats when I realized it. This was my father.
This man that was begging for my forgiveness was my father. My father I had not see since I was three years of age. He had found me. I never thought I would see him, but here we was, holding me close to his heart. The man looked up at me again, this time, not only his eyes were red, his entire face was red. Tears were running as fast as lightning down his cheeks, it was as if I could hear his heart beat faster and faster.
I kept my gaze in his eyes. I could tell they were full of sorrow and regret. Then, out of nowhere, words that had always seemed to distant for me to speak slipped through my lips. “Dad, I love you.” The man’s face lit up and he leaned over to hug me. I knew I’d found him now. I finally had a dad. I finally felt loved.
My father stayed with me in the hospital until I could get out. He never left my side and while we were there he told me everything. Why he had left, and how much it had hurt him throughout the years. There had been so many times where he had tried to come back, he had called a million times as well, but each time my mother would swear at him and tell him if he ever came back he would just make things harder for me. So he never came, for my sake.
Although I’ve only known my dad for a few years now, it feels like he was always there. Even though we were in two separate states we found each other, but he has always been in my heart. I’m still not sure I believe that wishes on a star come true, but I do know that love is unconditional. If its not unconditional than it’s not love. I now know I was never alone. I was always loved, and I always will be, even when I can’t see it. Love is all around us. L-O-V-E. Love.
